tired of fun

i remembered your face in the midst of the crowd

being at a party in amherst was unexpected and fun. i dont go out very often, and when i do something like drive two hours to a costume party, it is usually because clayton has something to do with it. i am not tempted to go out drinking with a large group of mostly unfamiliar people, but when clayton is involved things always seem, and end up being, more fun than how i imagined them to be. im quiet, and in large groups i feel like i lose any sense of being able to explain myself properly. i tried talking to new people but my attention would fall short, and then conversation would falter and die. i guess it does not help that i am constantly looking for girls. i like new girls, but i am horrible at talking to them. it is the worst of curses, that i am terrible in large crowds, and that is where most girls like to be. but after a few hours, the party cleared and a small group of people remained, and the night was wonderful. its just those crowds.

for some unexplained reason, my morale for music seemed to have taken a blow while i was in amherst. i guess i wish i had been able to share music with more people, or talk about music, or feel like the people at the party would like what i want to do. mm, thats it. i was on the fringes of the party when it was in full swing, just observing the group and not committing to it, and in that i feel like i was not at all a part of the social reasons that everyone was at the party for. a party full of people like me would not be a "party". i have no need for feeling like a large, solid group of like-minded young people having fun. im not certain if it is the drinking, the strange pressure and trials of trying to make meaningful conversation in a crowded and loud place, or the overall goals and dreams of people my age, but i really do not care to have a blurry recollection of interactions that, for the most part, are heavily influenced by alcohol. maybe these hazy people i met have great things planned. but all i remember is that some guy said something weird, a drunk guy spilled water all over the floor, some kid threw up... etc.

once everything died down though, the night was nice. the evening really started once the crowd was gone. too bad all the girls also left with that crowd.. hmph. i wanted to get thoughts out for a song about last night. ill have to think some more.